Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, on days like these, kids like me, are bored as shit. I sat there staring at the blank sheet of paper and started to imagine the possibilities. A polar bear in a snowstorm, naw too cliche, that line has been overused for decades. Perhaps I could write down my goals and struggles down like the grown-ups do, then boom epiphany. Fifteen years old me felt inspired to try and make it easy for any individual to visualize, and picture what it feels like to be me. In order to make this work, I had to journey into my mind once more, welcome. Welcome to my shoes.
I was in the midst of a mist, zero visibility, I wish the sun would give me a kiss, but I don’t mean it literally, but instead, I got hit with a fist, and mini-me immediately knew it was reality trying to get a hold of me.
I knew I couldn’t return until the mission was accomplished. So I stood up addressed my fears, my goals, and focused on the mission. The mist lifted, my mind was clear the sun was back, I had returned to reality, then the jotting began.
I wanna go down In history as irreplaceable
A young black nigga who made it to the top that’s undebatable
As a matter of fact, I want my own statue
so I can go down in history as the most ambitious black dude
Haters are like oh shit that’s rude I sneezed ”achooo” I’m allergic to bull shit (that’s true)
But I know I couldn’t achieve this without my damn crew
all the walls and obstacles we had to break through
None of u ignorant chumps could take three steps in our shoes
So if I’m the one to accumulate mills, to pay the bills Batman revenue, Imma name a street after us, so you, me and the kids can see just how great they can be. Melanin Avenue
Call me crazy but, soon they gonna give worn-out labels and we’ll be the melanin enhanced and no longer be able to attend dance and in attendance, I’ll say that M.E but I mean melanin enhanced maybe it’s just better to get kicked out of class, maybe I should just chill step back relax but…
I used to think that whoever worked the hardest would make it the furthest but it more like
Whoever works the smartest gonna make it the furthest or it might be pure luck and life just retarded
This is a story about how I began writing poetry/rap due to the absence of entertainment. Do not let the sudden setting change confuse you, as I tried my best to make it clear that it is sunny in reality but cloudy in my mind. I talk about my goals my fear of segregation of the melanin enhanced and my ideology on how to make it far in life. I hope you understood and appreciated this anecdote.
Ps.
Naw – slang for No
imma- I am going to
April 9, 2019 at 8:17 pm
Dear David,
As I mentioned before, David your writing style is quite unique and has this power that can only be given justice by you yourself. To develop a style is something that takes some writers months or even years to do, yet looking back at previous posts and this one, it seems that you already have this voice.
Often times, it is when we are doing nothing that the most remarkable things can happen because there are no limits to what we can think of. Your growth as a writer is impressive, and the way you weaved in rap into your anecdote is something that I have never seen done. Writing was a way for you to clear the thoughts in your clouded mind which is also one of the reasons I love writing.
To improve, maybe increasing the length of this post and adding more of a story-like element to it would perfect the already amazing piece that this is. Although I understand that this is a stylistic typicality for you, experimenting with other styles could be a pretty cool change.
All in all, I love reading your writing as I can hear you reading the words, which is quite difficult to do for many people.
Sincerely,
Abhay
April 14, 2019 at 4:07 am
Dear David,
This slaps, smacks, hits and all of the above. PEIROD!!! When I started reading it, I felt the passion in your words and the intention in each one. This is pure genius, I especially love your use of word play it really adds to that rap/spoken word vibe. How you started off with defining who you are and the type of man you want to be was amazing. The raw and unapologetic attitude you portrayed communicated so well to I as a reader that it makes me feel so empowered by your words. It’s so inspiring to read this piece of work and I look forward reading you next set of bars.
My few critiques:
1. I think this should be categorized as a spoken word.
2. Some lines I think would have been communicated much better with the use of commas or breaking up the paragraphs to suggest importance of a single phrase or sentence. For example, “I had to journey into my mind once more, welcome. Welcome to my shoes.”; having the second sentence by itself instead of next to the second would have really show the importance of this line.
3. Try exploring different types of punctuation instead of just using periods and commas to demonstrate a full stop. For example, ” A polar bear in a snowstorm, naw too cliche” instead try “A polar bear in a snowstorm -naw too cliche”, this clearly demonstrates a change in mood in the statement and tells the reader there is a shift in voice.
David it was an absolute pleasure to read your work and I look forward to what else you have to offer. I am truly inspired by your voice and if you have any questions best believe I got you.
With Love,
Kemi
April 23, 2019 at 6:51 pm
Dearest David,
I am beyond speechless but I shall speak because one must not stay silent after reading such greatness. You, my friend, are amazing. Never think otherwise, please. This was not only well written, but to a beat too. Your play on words was rather impeccable and you’ve definitely given me sentences of inspiration. Especially the line, “I wish the sun would give me a kiss”. Your story was also very clear to me, although, I think that’s just because I’m close to you. For improvement, I would just suggest working on punctuation and just your GUMPS in general. There were some run on sentences and such. But otherwise, this was a phenomenal piece my friend. I am very proud of you. And thank you for staying in this class.
With love,
Tolu.
April 23, 2019 at 8:24 pm
Dear David,
I love the flow of this piece, and how it is so easy and satisfying to read. I can really appreciate the ambitious voice you use in this piece and it is constant throughout all of it.
One thing I would recommend is punctuating certain parts to lead the reader to read it a certain way, and to provide clarification for the meaning behind certain phrases. As Ms. Hunnisett said using colons, semi-colons, and commas can influence how the reader perceives the following phrase or statement.
Sincerely,
Jatinpal